Emptiness

     If I were going to be asked how many times I have fallen in love, my answer would be- many times. Probably too many that every so often I feel like I was born to love and to get hurt.

     Falling in love is the most infuriatingly fantastic feeling any human being could possibly experience. It is exciting. It is nerve-wracking. It is calorie burning. It is insane. It makes everything in the world magical and colorful.

     People who are in love tend to be much nicer than necessary. I know. I’ve been there. It feels like you want to be-friend everybody. You are more welcoming, more approachable. You understand everything. You seem to know the solutions to all the problems in the world. And, you cannot seem to get that sweet smile off your face.

     That is love. It can do all the crazy things, it can make the impossible possible, the ugly beautiful and the black, somehow white.

     That is love. I know. I’ve had that.

     I should know everything about love because I have been in that state for so many times.

     But actually, I don’t. I do not know how it feels like to be cuddled in the cold Christmas Eve. I do not know how it feels to be in the arms of someone when I am miserable. I do not know the feeling of being cherished and loved when my world is falling apart.

     All I know is the feeling of emptiness every time I fall in love.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/g-hat/1587337253/

Halfmeant

Sa bawat gabi makatulog ka sana

Na ako ang nasa isip sa tuwi-tuwina

Sa umaga, sa tanghali at sa gabi

Sana maalala mo ang aking mga ngiti

 

Sana’y dahan-dahan ka sa iyo’ng pagkain

Baka mabulunan sana sa kaiisip sa akin

Tingnan ang daan sa paglalakad

Baka madapa kapag naalalala ang lahat

 

Siguro sa sobrang pag-iisip ko sa’yo

Ay dugu-dugo ka na, pangyayari’ng di malayo

Ngayon kaya ay may dila ka pa

O lagi ito’ng nakakagat at di na makapagsalita

 

Kawawa ka naman kung magkagano’n

Sorry ha, di ko lang mapigilan ang emosyon

Gustuhin ko man na di ka isipin

‘Di pwede dude, mahirap ‘yong pilitin

 

October 19, 2005

Wednesday, 12:05am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinedwards/291628090/

Love Never Ends

    

     How would you stay in love with someone who does not and will never feel the same way? Would you still take the risk, tell him how you really feel and be broken the second time, or would you just forget about your feelings and live your life as if nothing happened?

     And then regret everything for the rest of your life?

     No way. If I were that person, I wouldn’t. But then again, you’ve got to think- is he worth fighting for?

 

     I’ll say this again, I don’t know and I can’t remember how many times I’ve said this, but I’ll say this again anyway. I’d love to forget everything, move on and live a new life. Who wouldn’t? But it isn’t easy. Everyday, I tell myself, this is the day when I start thinking about other things, more important things, except him. But at the end of the day, I always find myself hoping that he’s somehow thinking about me.

     Crazy, I am. Of course, I know that. No need to deny it.

     Well, that moving on thing, I guess, that’s hopeless for me. And that really scares me because I know, if I won’t be able to move on, I couldn’t really be happy.

     Because as they say, you cannot really go on if you have left something behind. And what I’ve left behind is the most important thing in my life. It is just so impossible to forget.

     And how can I live with the fact that I can’t move on? I do not know. Honestly, I do not know.

     They say that to be able to forget someone, find someone else. Or keep yourself busy, or simply, just forget everything about him. From his smile, to his God damn beautiful little eyes.

     Yes, I have tried those, all these years. But where did that all lead me? Into insanity. Still, here I am, desperately praying for a miracle.

     Here I am, still living in the shadow of the past, without taking into consideration that he might be with someone now, happy.

     I must admit that I can’t face the fact that he has changed. That maybe everything has changed between the two of us.

     Maybe he’s not the same person I’ve known many years ago. Maybe his feelings for me has changed. Maybe.

     Or that’s for sure. I don’t know.

     I still can’t figure out how did that happen. I mean, does love really change at the end of the day?

     Well, of course, it does. Everything has it’s end. Actually, a lot has changed in me. My love, for instance to those people whom I’ve loved before. However, did I question myself? No, because I am sure in my heart, that it is possible and there’s nothing wrong about my feelings changing through time.

     It’s understandable. It’s justifiable.

     But why on earth can’t I understand this issue between me and Mr. Blank?

     I’m getting tired of this. I’ve been pondering, weighing things for so, so long now. This hurt I’m feeling, I think is already immunizing my system that I no longer care if this is wrong or right.

     I know that what I feel for him is so real and that nothing is gonna happen. Yes, I’ve learned, as time goes that what I am into is something that time needs a miracle to come true.

     I have learned to accept my fate. But I am still holding on. I do not know where would this all lead me, but somehow I know, I’ll get there.

 image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/17305559@N00/379732712/

 

 

 

 

Gone with the Wind

    There will be this one time in your life wherein you’ll find someone as wonderful as the stars in the sky.

I’ve found mine many years ago. He’s got the eyes that would definitely leave a girl breathless. And his smile- wow, you could lose yourself with his sweet smile. He’s totally charming, very good looking. A head-turner, without even trying.

     I always used to give him a glance every single day when he walks in front of my house. And when he smiles, God only knows what’s on my mind.

     As time flies, I know nothing about him but his heavenly charm.

     As time flies by and still, I found myself searching among the crowds for his face. And who would expect that I’d be seeing him again, after a couple of years, in the most unlikely circumstances.

     One that I wished never happened.

 

     You ask why? I tell you why.

     Well, it was one of those ordinary days, and as I do the things I usually do, I suddenly saw this man rushing to my direction. I was surprised. Speechless.

     O, I really wish to heaven it never happened. Because that same day, that very moment, I can’t help but ask myself why, o why did I lose myself to someone like this man?

     I cannot believe that I was actually deceived by his charming good looks.

     Do not get me wrong. He still looks fantastic.

     Well, not until he speaks.

     O, I really wished it never happened. All my admiration, longing and dreaming has suddenly disappeared. It has simply gone…with the wind.

 

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/aussiegall/1283642321/

 

Hanggang Sa Muli

Paano kaya kung magkita tayo’ng muli

Magsasawalang kibo ba o ako’y ngingiti

Ano kaya ang mararamdaman

Ng puso ko sa oras na ika’y masilayan

 

Ano kaya ang iyo’ng gagawin

Kapag muling nagkita ang landas natin

Ako kaya ay mapapansin mo

Kung sakaling magkasalubong tayo

 

Ituturing mo kaya ako’ng isang kaibigan

Tatawanan, ngingitian na parang wala lang

Ano kaya ang una mo’ng sasabihin

Tulad kaya ng unang pagkikita natin

 

Makakayanan ko kayang ika’y muling yakapin

At ipadama sa’yo natatagong damdamin

Magkaroon kaya ng lakas ng loob

Sabihin sa’yo hinanakit ko’t poot

 

                                                                      Marahil hindi mo na ako maaalala

                                                                      Ang dating pagtingin ay sadyang wala na

                                                                      At kung tayo nga’y magkitang muli

                                                                      Marahil kalakip nito’y mapait na ngiti

 

                                                                       November 19, 2005

                                                                       12:15am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/blmurch/332041319/

Love Sucks

     Love sucks. As in really sucks. You’ll do everything for love, all those crazy little things for love, then what? You just end up weeping and crying over some stupid jerk who promised you the moon and the

stars and the heaven and the earth.

     God to think of it- some guy likes you, calls you everyday, spends hours on the phone in the morning, afternoon and night. Sends you sweet and thoughtful messages, tells you everything you wanted to hear. He visits your home almost every night, goes out with you on the weekends, brings you to those romantic places and fancy restaurants, and lavishes you with expensive flowers, gifts and chocolates.

     And when you look into his eyes, he stares at you as if you are the most beautiful woman on earth. Then, in a snap of a finger, the stars come down from heaven and you fall in love with him and he’s the happiest.

     Then days passed, weeks and months.

     And days passed by still, as you look into his eyes, he isn’t looking at you the way he did before.

     Then you hear him say…It’s not you, it’s me.

     That’s the romantic way of breaking up, I think. He tells you he needed some space to think, that you are such a wonderful person and you deserve someone better, he couldn’t give everything you need, that you are too good for him.

     This some guy, whom a long time ago promised you everything, almost his life for you, and they are the ones who beg for your love in the first place, but then, they are the ones who want escape.

     Love does suck, doesn’t it? 

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/foreverphoto/512760334/